


To Slay A Dragon

by oxfordRoulette



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Illustrated, Post-Canon, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3169802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxfordRoulette/pseuds/oxfordRoulette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta and Terezi decide to extend their roleplay beyond normal boundaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Slay A Dragon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [misterinkwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misterinkwell/gifts).



You are TEREZI PYROPE, virgin strawberry margarita slurping pro, lawn chair lounging extraordinaire, voracious illegally downloaded e-textbook reader, and high suntanning overlord of your pallid friends who now live in THIS BRAVE NEW WORLD. Or more like, BRAVE NEW HIDEAWAY, because you all kicked it to Harley’s reconstructed island as soon as humanly/troll-ly possible. You all needed a vacation! You sure deserved it!

And while you appreciate that you can’t be a tight-lipped servant of justice 24/7, you are kind of bored with this relaxing thing after a full week. You think it’s time to mix things up a little.

The handle of your matesprit pops up on-screen. How convenient!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \-- 

GC: WHY M1SS N3P3T4!  
GC: WH4T 4 R4R1TY 4ND 4 PL34SUR3 1T 1S TO S33 YOU ONL1N3 TH3S3 D4YS  
AC: :33 < miss terezi!  
AC: :33 < what a pleasure it is to s33 you!  
AC: :33 < although i wouldnt go with rarity beclaws all youve b33n doing for a w33k is trolling community college law school forums.  
GC: SOM3ON3 N33DS TO G1V3 THOS3 STUD3NTS 4 H4RSH R34L1TY CH3CK 4BOUT TH3 N3C3SS1TY OF V1G1L4NT3 JUST1C3  
GC: 4ND 1T 1SNT GO1NG TO B3 YOU >:]  
AC: :33 < :oo  
GC: 4NYW4Y! 1 4CTU4LLY 4RR1V3D 4T TH3 DOORSTOP OF OUR 1SL4ND 1NTR4N3T CONN3CT1ON W1TH 4 PURPOS3!  
AC: :33 < oh!  
AC: :33 < *ac gasps in marvelous surprise*  
GC: Y3S G3T THOS3 G4SPS 4ND 4ST3R1SKS R34DY FOR US3  
GC: B3C4US3 W3 4R3 GO1NG TO  
GC: .........  
GC: .........  
AC: :33 < to??  
GC: .........  
GC: >;]  
GC: 1NDULG3 1N SOM3 S3R1OUS ROL3PL4Y1NG!  
GC: 4LL OV3R TH3 1SL4ND! TH3 1SL4ND H4S 1N F4CT NOT KNOWN HOW H4RD W3 SH4LL ROL3 4ND PL4Y  
GC: TO CL4R1FY 1 DO NOT M34N FL4RP1NG 1 H4V3 F4R OUTGROWN THOS3 D4YS  
AC: :33 < :DD  
AC: :33 < that sounds really fun, terezi.  
AC: :33 < what are we going to play?  
GC: W3LL 1’V3 GOT 4N 1D34...  
GC: HOW 4BOUT DR4GONS 4ND ROGU3S?  
AC: :33 < oh my paws, that sounds exciting.  
AC: :33 < albeit cliche :PP  
AC: :33 < weve played dragons and rogues a billion times!  
GC: F1N3 M4D4M FUN RU1N3R  
GC: RU1N3R OF 4LL TH1NGS FUN  
AC: :33 < did you hear me say it wouldnt be fun? its going to be the funnest.  
AC: :33 < but maybe we should mix things up a bit?  
AC: :33 < this time... the dashing rouge of love has to use her wits and subterfuge to rescue from the most evil high dragon...  
AC: :33 < a princess!!!  
GC: >:O  
GC: W41T M1SS R1V4L Y3T D3SP1C4BLY D4SH1NG ROGU3  
GC: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 4 ST3R3OTYP1C4L 4RR4NG3M3NT OF G3ND3R ROL3S  
AC: :33 < but i want to rescue somebody in a pretty dress :((  
GC: W3 C4N PUT OUR D3L1GHTFULLY D3F3NS3L3SS PR1NC3 1N 4 DR3SS!  
AC: :33 < yes!!  
GC: W3LL TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 1 N33D 4 PR1NC3 TO K1DN4P!  
GC: WHO SH4LL W3 P1CK?  
AC: :33 < hmmmm  
AC: :33 < well all the dudes are probably hanging out in their grody man cave as purr usual.  
AC: :33 < lets convince one of them to be catnapped.  
GC: 1T M1GHT B3 4 D1FF1CULT T4SK! BUT ON3 TH4T 1 4M UP FOR  
GC: M33T YOU TH3R3?  
AC: :33 < sounds good! <3  
GC: <3

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

You meet Nepeta at the entrance of the MAN CAVE in due time. It looks like not many of them are in today, and you deduce that most are outside enjoying the sun. The only ones who remain are KARKAT VANTAS and SOLLUX CAPTOR, both of whom would be a good choice for a fair and succulent prince. They appear to be playing a cooperative game of DUDESTUCK: CALL OF BRO: THE MANSWEAT ERECTENING on the large TV. The graphics taste like balls, even from here.

However, only one of them is an easily convince-able young chap! And it sure as hell isn't Sollux, who would regouge his viewglobes out in order to spend an extra hour indoors. You and Nepeta both saunter over to the couch, then stick your heads around Karkat's shoulders in perfect tandem.

Karkat: WHAT. WHAT!?  
Karkat: WHAT IN THE NAME OF BUCKET FILLING BODY MARGARITAS DO YOU WANT?

You’ve acquired PRINCE KARKAT VANTAS OF ASSPILE MOUNTAIN.

Karkat: IF I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A DIVINE VISAGE OF BEAUTY THE MOMENT YOU SHOW ME MY REFLECTION I AM GOING TO SHIT FIRE OUT OF MY EYELIDS.

Karkat proves himself worthy of the title BLUSHING SWOONING PRINCE as you cart him over your dragonly shoulder and take him to your dungeon. And by your dungeon, you very much mean Jade Harley’s Grand-lusus’ VALIANT KNIGHTS ROOM, because how ironic, right? You will play the role of the DEADLY DRAGON, a great beast of Alternian lore who used her quick wit and stinging riddles to lead heroes to their downfall. You hope Nepeta will be able to find you!

You park Karkat in a corner, where he amuses himself by angrily polishing his crown, and you flip open your chat client.

GC: 4LR1GHT 4R3 YOU 1N POS1T1ON?  
AC: :33 < in position!  
GC: 3XC3LL3NT! L3T US B3G1N!  
AC: :33 < *epic toodlehorn music plays from somewhere nearby, as the lights dim in a dramatic fashion.*  
GC: *TH3 DR4GONS VO1C3 3CHO3S THROUGHOUT TH3 L4ND S3TT1NG TH3 SC3N3*  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON L4UGHS LONG 4ND PROUD L1K3 4 V1CTOR1OUS L4WY3R 1N COURT OF M4NSL4UGHT3R 1N TH3 H1GH B4R OF 4LT3RN14*  
AC: :33 < (psst i don’t know what kind of laugh that is).  
GC: (1T 1S 4 GOOD ON3)  
AC: :33 < *the laugh that somehow sounds like a lawyer despite being a fantasy setting rings in the dashing rouges ears.*  
AC: :33 < *she looks up towards the sky, with dramatic intent.*  
GC: MW4 H4 H4  
GC: *S4YS TH3 DR4GON*  
GC: 1 H4V3 K1DN4PP3D TH3 DOC1L3 PR1NC3 OF TH3 K1NGDOM OF GRUMPY BUTTF4C3S!  
AC: :33 < *the dashing rogue gasps! not the prince of grumpy buttfaces, she thinks!*  
AC: :33 < *he is very important for bargaining chips in elaborate pawlitical drama roleplays!*  
AC: :33 < i don’t believe you!  
AC: :33 < *cries the dashing rogue, towards the sky.*  
GC: H4 H4 1T 1S TRU3!  
GC: H34R H1S CR13S FOR H3LP  
GC: (HOLD ON 1 4M G3TT1NG K4RK4T)  
GC: DOCILE? WHAT THE  
GC: I MEAN, OH, OUCH, I WISH SOME KIND, ATTRACTIVE ROGUE WOULD COME SAVE ME.  
GC: AND THEN MAKE OUT WITH THE DRAGON, APPARENTLY.  
GC: AM I SOME KIND OF RESPITEBLOCK TOY HERE? IS THAT WHAT MY FRIENDSHIP MEANS TO YOU?  
GC: *S41D TH3 PR1NC3*  
AC: :33 < *the rogue cannot believe this and slaps her hands to her face in shock! she comes to the conclusion that she must rescue the prince at all costs*  
GC: 1 C4N F33L YOUR D3T3RM1N4T1ON FROM 4LL TH3 W4Y OV3R H3R3  
GC: BUT WH3R3 4M 1? >:]  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON W4GGL3S H3R GR34T B34RDLY 3Y3BROWS*  
GC: *TH1S 1S F3LT BY TH3 ROGU3 4S THOUGH 4N 34RTHQU4K3 SHOOK TH3 MOUNT41N V1OL3NTLY*  
AC: :33 < *the eyebrow waggling makes the rogue livid! she cries out in furstration!*  
AC: :33 < oh, dragon, give me a hint to where you are located!  
AC: :33 < so i may gaze upawn your great beauty.  
AC: :33 < not at all to save the prince or anything  
GC: HOW K1ND OF YOU! *S41D TH3 DR4GON* 1N TH4T C4S3 1 JUST M1GHT G1V3 YOU 4 R1DDL3  
GC: 4ND 1F YOU 4R3 SM4RT YOU W1LL SOLV3 1T 4ND COM3 TO M3  
GC: 4ND TH3N 1 W1LL 34T YOU >;]  
AC: :33 < well s33 about that!  
AC: :33 < what is your riddle, great dragon?

You think of something QUITE CLEVER and OVER-ELABORATE which is so incredible it can apparently never be recounted again. It’s too bad Karkat is missing out on this AMAZING wordplay, logic warbler, and puzzler, because this is the best riddle you have ever thought up in your life. And you’ve thought up some pretty great logic warblers.

THE DASHING ROGUE gets right on the trail, beginning to document her quest across the island. You follow along with your chat client, making sure her journey is solid, and giving her some fun red herrings along the way for her to travel down. She approaches Jade’s tower much sooner than expected, and you hurry Karkat behind a pile of armor you have prepared for your DRAGONLY HORDE.

KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME HERE.  
TEREZI: SO YOUR PR3TTY DR3SS DO3SNT G3T RU1N3D 1N TH3 3NSU1NG F1GHT! YOU WOULDNT W4NT TO M3SS UP THOS3 COTTON C4NDY SL33V3S OF YOURS!  
KARKAT: GOD FUCKING BLESS THE COTTON CANDY SLEEVES.

You put on your DRAGON SKIN, the fine cotton your scales, the squishy tail your weapon of doom, the cute fluffy nose your FIRE DEATH MURDER NOSTRILS FROM WHICH YOU WILL SMELL THE FLESH OF THE ROGUE BURN BENEATH YOU. You hunker down, your claws scraping against the floor, your voice a booming soundwave from which a storm shall echo forth.

The rogue appears in a flash of smoke, her hair flapping sexily in the wind like some kind of sexy sex romance machine, and you, THE DEADLY DRAGON, are tempted to keep her as your pet forever.

DEADLY DRAGON: 1 4M T3MPT3D TO K33P YOU 4S MY P3T FOR3V3R!  
DASHING ROGUE: :33 < nice try, scaleface! your seductively said words cannot defeat me! i am here to rescue the prince and that is all!

The two of you, DESTINED ENEMIES, circle around each other, crying out your respective battle calls...

DEADLY DRAGON: H1SS  
DASHING ROUGE: :33 < also hiss! but more catlike! 

You take a swipe at her, missing by mere inches, as she leaps back with all the grace of a dying swan. You send a gust of your flames bellowing from your MURDER DEATH SOMETHING SOMETHING NOSTRILS in retaliation! She fades into the shadows to hide from that attack, your horde of the knights you have slain proving to be her respite.

DEADLY DRAGON: D4MN!  
DEADLY DRAGON: COM3 OUT COM3 OUT WH3R3V3R YOU 4R3...  
DEADLY DRAGON: L1TTL3 K1TT3N >:]  
DOCILE PRINCE: AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING. I’M CONFUSED.  
DEADLY DRAGON: SHUT YOUR DOC1L3 MOUTH F33BL3 ON3!

You back up against the wall. You cannot be taken down! You are fire! You are destruction! You are JUSTICE INCARNATE as you-

Your inner monologue is interrupted when the DASHING ROGUE appears out of nowhere with a scream!

She tackles your great body to the ground, burying her claws into your back, and you roll together, fighting and gnashing. The battle is bloody and violent, and you both know that this will truly be your last fight. There will be no survivors, no remnants, of the great and legendary fight between the rouge and the dragon. Bards will sing songs of this tale, your stories will be told across the land, it is surely the final battle to suit a king.

DEADLY DRAGON: H3H3H3H3 NO NOT TH3R3  
DASHING ROGUE: :33 < ahhhhh no that’s the most ticklish spot!! aahhhh!  
DEADLY DRAGON: G1V3 H3H3H3H3H3 1N  
DASHING ROUGE: :33 < hahahahaha never!!!  
DOCILE PRINCE: HOLY SHIT THIS IS SICK.  
DEADLY DRAGON: H3H3H3H3H3  
DASHING ROGUE: :33 < hahahahaha  
DOCILE PRINCE: IT’S LIKE I’M WATCHING A KINDERGARTNER’S IDEA OF PORNOGRAPHY.  
DEADLY DRAGON: NO H3H3H3 NO H3H3H3H3 NOT B3H1ND TH3 KN33S! TH4T’S MY ON3 W34KN3SS!  
DEADLY DRAGON: T4K3 TH1S!  
DASHING ROGUE: :33 < aaaahhhh not my chin! 333333 <3  
DOCILE PRINCE: OH MY GOD I COULD HEAR THE HEART IN THAT ONE.  
DOCILE PRINCE: I’M LEAVING. I’M LEAVING FOREVER. AND THIS DRESS IS MINE.  
DOCILE PRINCE: *THE GREAT AND GLORIOUS PRINCE OF MORTALITY MAKES HIS LEAVE OF THESE FOOLS*  
DOCILE PRINCE: *WHO ARE CLEARLY SO IN-PITY IT IS VERY CLEAR THEY DID NOT NEED MY ABSURDLY AMAZING FASHION SENSE TO SPICE UP THEIR LOVE LIFE*  
DOCILE PRINCE: *AND HE LATER BECOMES A SICKLE-WIELDING BADASS WITH COTTON CANDY SLEEVES, WHO MANY WOMEN DESIRE TO GET A TASTE OF*  
DOCILE PRINCE: *REVOLUTIONARY GIRL KARKAT OUT*  
DOCILE PRINCE: *THE END*

You hear the prince escape your clutches, but it is too late to stop him! There is a far more important battle going down in front of you, one that defines the fate of your life. The both of you reach out for one last, desperate grapple, and you fall to the floor together, defeated and bloody.

NEPETA: :33 < *the dashing rouge cries out the dragons name, but her throat is scratchy and wet with blood*  
TEREZI: *TH3 DR4GON UND3RST4NDS 4ND TH3Y SH4R3 SOM3 M34N1NGFUL 3Y3 CONT4CT 4FT3R TH31R L3G3ND4RY F1GHT*

You do, in fact, share some legendary eye contact after your tickle fight. Nepeta narrows her eyes like that one scene in TROLL KILL BILL VOL 1, and you also do that. And of course, this would be a perfect moment for a-

NEPETA: *:33 < the dashing rogue leans in for one last breath of air*  
TEREZI: *4ND 1NH4L3S TH3 DR4GONS L1PS 1NST34D!*

It’s not the most perfect kiss, but you wouldn’t have any other conclusion.


End file.
